Shrimp

We got shrimp while in Mexico. 


While D.P.L. was at work I decided that I wanted to make something with shrimps that we got.


This is what I got: 

5:36 PM me: you dont mind if i use the shrimp do you??????

5:39 PM DPL: No

 me: how you cook shrimp?

5:40 PM DPL: Are u giving it away?

 me: no

Why the hell would I give away our shrimp?
Fuck if I know. 

I suppose I asked for it because I asked to use the shrimp like it was a borrowing utensil.

Stupid me.

Barter King

Conversation via gchat. 


Because we love that way. 

me

I just had the best idea ever DPL!

dpl

Yes!?

me

You should barter for our WEDDING!

You can make our $25,000 day into a more affordable smooth $2,000....whatdayasay?

dpl

Ok

How bout we have it at tha store?

me

Only if you barter for it.

You shall be known as BARTER KING, should you choose to accept this challenge.

dpl

Sounds good. but ill have to figure out what to barter with

me

(As said in my Don LaFontaine voice)

dpl

My poetry skills maybe?

Who is don lafointain

me

So you accept?

dpl

Yes

me

Fuck Don, this is what I am trying to get at. You have mad skills, now its time to put them to use!

Amiright?

God, I am a genius!

dpl

Yes

me

p.s. Don LaFontaine is the movie, voice, person, guy.

Man, I have mad googling skills, you think I can barter with that?

dpl

Oh utah, that fool dead

Sure, y not

me

Doesn't matter if he's dead, I can do his voice.

I'll show you. I'll do it while we make passionate love.

Are you free Saturday?

2:02 PM

dpl

Im free everyday

me

But I am not.

dpl

Cept on sundays. I cost 5 dollars on sundays

me

I see. Well let me see if I have 5 bucks in my budget for those services.

Nope. Fresh out. I must have used it for coffee instead. Maybe next month.

2:05 PM

DPL. My new Barter King.


This is love people. LOVE. 


(Except for the whole 5 bucks a pop, fuck that noise. I get my sausage fo free)

I Make the Ugliest Sad Face

I was looking in the mirror rehearsing a story I was going to embellishingly tell to my friends. I made a face that showed how sad I was in this story of I can't remember now, when I made the face that made me want to punch myself.


"Ehhh, what the hell was that?" I questioned my face.  


Why was my frown so ugly when I am sad? I just wanted on of those huge puppy dog eyes and big quivering lip looks. Nope. I looked horrible. I would post a pic but I don't want to invoke feelings of anger from my 3 readers. 


No thank you. 


Also in other news, which may or may not make sense.


Tomorrow is my friends birthday. 


Which is the same friend that whenever I go to her house I am ALWAYS on my period. 
Like clockwork. 


I didn't notice it until the fourth time I went over and asked if she had any tampons. 


I hate to ask, but I think she secretly calls me period girl to her Asian aka her man who I tend to borrow from time to time to take to concerts, because what better company for concerts than the token Asian? NO ONE that's who.  


Perhaps I should get her a big box of tampons?  

S.O.B

Hold the phone.


I realized today that I have never seen "The Bodyguard" all the way through. I don't even know what happens in the end.  


But I have seen all of "Spice World"


I am a monster. 

A Short

Thanksgiving time. 


My mom. 

She was making tamales and left them on the stove to cook or steam or
whatever it is you do to make them.


I didn't help because I was busy. Catching up on all my dvr'd shows. 


Afterwards I went to bed. 

In the middle of the night I had this terrible dream that something
was burning.

Turns out it was my momma's tamales. She didn't put enough water into the
pot and it smelled like burnt nipples in my house. Not one corner was spared the smell.
I had to wake her from her slumber to tell her about our burning
kitchen.

She left the very next day to Mexico.

I think she must of felt really bad.

D.P.L. was pissed that we didn't have any tamales to eat.

And that is the story of how my mom almost burned down our house.

~Fin~

Who Knew? Not Me

Thanksgiving I made a confession to my mother. 


I told her about that time when I was a teenager and I smoked a few hits off the ole cigga-weed.


Why? Just because I wanted to see her reaction and because I realized she doesn't know much about me. 


Smoking as a teenager says a lot about my character. *NOT 


So this discussion became a open-for-all since a piece of me was out on the table.


"Hey Mom, so quick question while we are on the subject of drugs. Who are these relatives of ours that just dropped dead? And how are they related to us?" 


One thing about me is I don't know my family history past me. I know little about my mom, who did raise me all my life. I just don't know her very well. 


I quickly made a small diagram and started with her parents, my grandparents. 
Then started making more and more and more circles and by the end of just my grandparents kids' and their kids' kids it looked like a mess of circles. 


Kind of like this







So I went back to the basics because the circles started confusing me. 


Me:  "Ok mom so where is Nana from?" 


Mom:  "She's from Texas" 


Me: "What about tata?" 


Mom  "He's from Texas too" 


Me: "What about nana's parent's?" 


Mom: "Nana and tata's parent's are all from Texas." 


Me: [mouth wide open] "So we aren't even like real Mexican, Mexicans?" 


Whatever that means. 


I'm closer to knowing more of nothing than I was before. 


Nothing including that my family is extremely fertile. 

On Being a Kid

Last night my son told me "I want to stay a kid forever, but I'm not because I will grow up and grow a mustache. I don't want to grow one." 


This leads me to believe that:
He sees that his father is a hairy son-of-a-bitch and knows that is his future. Poor sap. 


"I want to be a kid forever......(beautiful little sad face)!" Again, I tell him that he will be a kid for a long time, but by this time his thinking switched to his moving out of the house because he will be to old to be living with his parent, which I think know he will live with us forever and ever and I told him but he doesn't want to live with us when he is old, he told me so. This made me sad faced because he just might be right. 


He also said "Well I want to marry YOU mom, but I can't because you are married to my dad." 


That was sweet. Creepy but very sweet nonetheless. 


Already his wisdom surpasses his 4 years of age. I mean come on, he is thinking about when he is old enough to move out of our home and he still has AT LEAST 14 more years to go the little turd. 


I love you baby boy. Please don't turn out weird like your parents.